Lurg was the leader of a neanderthal tribe about 20,000 years ago
in the area of the world now known as The White Mountains of New Hampshire. Lurg was an incredibly strong caveman who had built a fierce physique through a lifetime of grappling with friend and foe, climbing trees, rock walls, and mountains, lifting heavy stones and smashing wild animals with heavy clubs. He lived off the land, ate wild animals and fruits and vegetables grown naturally (He never shopped in the middle aisles of "the Caveman Grocer").
Lurg loved the Winter in New Hampshire and the challenges brought on by the harsh conditions. He was an avid ice climber and it is believed that he was the inventor of the first ice ax built from sticks with sabertooth tiger fangs fastened to the ends. One morning, after killing a wild boar with his 80 lb club, Lurg decided he wanted to treat the family to a bacon and egg breakfast. Lurg knew of an eagle's nest at the top of a large ice face close by so he set off with his Sabertooth ice axes to round up a few eagle eggs.
It is unknown what happened to Lurg on the ice that day, but he never returned. It is suspected that as Lurg approached the eagle nest a chunk of ice broke loose, cracking Lurg in the skull and knocking him unconscious. With his wrists fastened securely to the ice axes, Lurg was suspended on the ice face. A massive storm moved in, encapsulating Lurg in a cocoon of ice and snow where he would spend the next 20,000 years frozen in time.
One day a couple years ago a group of ice climbers were making their way up an ice face in a secluded section of the White Mountains that has ice year round when they came across an incredible discovery. One of the climbers planted his ice ax, breaking away a large chunk of ice, and found himself face to face with a big hairy dude who had been frozen into the wall. Luckily he was on a solid belay as he catapulted himself off the wall in terror... The authorities were notified and Lurg was extracted from the wall and brought to the nearest hospital.
Lurg was thawed out and attempts at reviving him were made. To the amazement of the doctors and nurses, Lurg started to show vital signs. There was an international buzz about the revival of the neanderthal. Lurg couldn't speak to tell them his name, so they just called him Bob. The doctors decided they needed to get "Bob" into a physical rehabilitation program. And this is where the story really got tragic.....
Lurg was taken to the local Globo Gym where he was met by their two top trainers, Barbie and Ken. They were gorgeous! Megawatt Smiles, high cheekbones, Blue Eyes, perfectly pressed Khaki pants, brightly colored polo shirts and armed with clipboards. Lurg's eyes had trouble adjusting to the gleam off the shiny chrome machines. He didn't quite understand all the PEople on machines that allowed them to run, pedal, and climb stairs but they weren't actually going anywhere. He also didn't understand all the people standing around in front of mirrors making funny faces and flexing their arms. Ken brought Lurg over to a large machine, had him sit down and strapped him in. He then set a pin into a stack of metal plates and explained to Lurg that today they would be working on Biceps, "because chicks dig a guy with big biceps", and Abs, "because in addition to a nice set of bi's, you have to have a ripped six pack!". After two months of "training" at Globo with Ken and Barbie Lurg started to bulk up and lose his flexibility, mobility, and functionality. He also noticed how much weaker he had become in the real world where it was necessary for him to use his entire body to engage in activities like running, jumping, climbing and crawling. Things that he used to do every day as a Caveman.
One day as Lurg bent down to grab a newspaper, he hurt his lower back. Nobody was around to help him up so he just hung out on the ground and opened the paper to a story about a functional strength training gym in NAshua, NH called Dynamic strength and Conditioning. In this article Lurg read about people training the whole body the way it was meant to be trained. They didn't use machines, they didn't have mirrors or TVs, they didn't allow headphones. Nobody in the pictures looked like Ken or Barbie. These were real people doing real workouts getting real results! Lurg decided he was done with the posers at Globo. Ken and Barbie tried to convince Lurg that he was making a tragic mistake to which Lurg replied, "then I will become Tragically Fit!".
After a few days Lurg's back was feeling a little better and he made his way over to 100 Factory St in Nashua to check out the Dynamic Strength and Conditioning gym that he had read about. After climbing the 67 steps to the gym, Lurg had to rest for several minutes to catch his breath. He got inside and he became immediately excited at what he saw. The people there were lifting tires, climbing ropes, swinging clubs, hammers, and kettlebells. Throwing large balls that looked like the stones he used to smash over the heads of wild boar. They were running, jumping, crawling, laughing. They were having fun and they had a ton of energy! Lurg was taken in by Michele and Kevin and was immediately started on a functional strength training and natural nutrition program to get him back in the shape he was in 20,000 years ago. Within 2 weeks
Lurg realized increases in strength, endurance, flexibility and mobility. He was able to bound up the 67 steps to the gym without running out of breath. His loin cloth had become a little looser on his body. He had the kind of energy that he had before when he would be out hunting buffalo herds for days. After 6 months of training with Dynamic strength and Conditioning Lurg decided he was ready to return to the wild. He had built an incredibly lean, powerful physique that rivaled the spartan warriors of a thousand years ago. He was moving better than he had at any
time in his life. KEvin and Michele took Lurg on a hike into the Bondcliff region of the White Mountains and unleashed him on the Pemi Wilderness. Lurg hasn't been heard from since, but there have been sightings of a big hairy dude doing crazy free climbs in the most remote areas of the Whites. Lurg was home at last....
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